Week 4: PAIN.

Miles This Week: 16 (Sunday's long run: 6 miles)
Miles To Date: 36.5

I write you from my table at Cato's, my favorite digs on Piedmont Avenue in Oakland. I'm eating a burger - by design: carbs, protein ... that seems like good exercise fuel, right? I can't seem to figure out what, how, or when I need to eat to be able to run all the time, and to recover adequately.

I have to believe I'll be turning a corner here soon. That is to say: I'm keeping up with my training miles, but it's kicking my ass. I'm sore. And I'm very tired.

It's not just about showing up at the Berkeley Marina at 8 am on Sundays and running farther than I ever imagined I could - or about showing up to run 2-3 times a week for an hour on my own - it's also about drinking water constantly (I forget to do this), eating a lot (sometimes I forget this, too), eating the foods that will give me the most energy and best muscle recovery (I'm still figuring this out) and going to bed at about 8:30-9pm every night (I fluctuate in my success on this front).

TIRED... not like, sleepy - rather, like, aching sore throbbing legs and feet. And I guess 'cause that's not punishment enough, I accepted my (wonderful, awesome, brilliant) friend Daniela's invitation to attend her trapeze class on Monday.

Friends. When you die and meet Saint Peter, and he tells you you've been bad, and he puts you on the elevator and pushes the arrow pointing down - when the door opens, do you know where you'll be?

Trapeze class.

I adore Daniela. She is one of the most naturally beautiful, funny, smart and in every other way lovely women I know - and she is an exceptionally gorgeous dancer and athlete to boot. If there was ever a teacher who MIGHT have the capacity to make trapeze class anything beyond a purely gratuitous exercise in brutality, it's Daniela.

But - frankly? Even with lovely Daniela there being so sweet and gentle and saying such nice things to me ... good Lord, it hurt.

Of course even there in the moment it doesn't necessarily hurt so much. It hurts your hands a bit (there can be blisters and ripped blisters and bleeding and all that). It hurts your ankles and feet (ankle hangs involve wrapping your legs around the ropes, flexing your feet hard so you don't fall, and hanging upside down ... this also results in skin rips and blood and bruises). It hurts other parts too.

But most of my pain has been muscle pain, after the fact. Oh my God, my pecs. Arrrrrr, my shoulders. I don't even know the name of the muscles underneath my armpits, but those hurt the most; I can barely raise my arms.

Daniela thought the running would be good for my upper-body muscle recovery, as it increases blood flow, allowing the whole body to heal faster ... she's right, of course, but I hadn't thought until I started bouncing around on the treadmill this morning of what bouncing around would feel like on my sore, sore, sore pecs.

I did my six miles. It was okay. I didn't have to hold my boobs the whole time, only the first ten minutes (I'm sure that looked really cool).

The other thing about trapeze class is that it is scheduled the day after the long group run... I had a hard time doing a plain old knee hang, couldn't understand why, until a little while later when it occurred to me that my legs are completely fatigued. I don't know how much upside-down-ness I'll be able to manage at Monday morning trapeze class.

Is once-a-week trapeze class too much to pile on top of marathon training? What is this all about, anyway?

I was telling my friend on the phone yesterday that I'm in this place right now where I am understanding, in a very real and immediate way, that I am master of my own ship, and that furthermore, I am lucky to be gifted with a brain and heart I really, honestly trust to master a ship. For the first time in my life I am getting that it's okay for me to choose a goal and go for it - because if I stay focused, there's absolutely no reason I can't meet it. That probably seems very A-B-C, but what can I say, I'm finally figuring it out.

I think the marathon goal is the tangible touchstone of that lesson I am in right now. Training for a marathon isn't easy, but it's not confusing, either. It's very straightforward, simple, and barring injury, achievable. Just do the prescribed task, and the goal is achieved. It requires a degree of initiative, but once I've given myself the assignment, it's just about doing whatever is required to get the job done.